If you’ve been paying attention, you know that I have a Masturbating Neighbor. Well the Masturbating Neighbor strikes or should I say strokes again (I couldn’t resist that masturbating pun). Once again my wife was in the kitchen washing dishes and she looked over and down (he lives one floor down) and there he was, at it again. This sent her running out of the kitchen right in the middle of the dishwashing never to return.

I’m a live and let live kind of guy, but when your self stimulation makes it so that I’m the only person washing dishes in my household, then I’m not so understanding. Fortunately my wife came up with the solution of putting up a temporary makeshift shade in the kitchen window and she’s back to washing dishes again. Right now my kitchen is dark, gloomy and has a tacky looking shade, but it seems like life is back to normal. So Masturbating Neighbor, I wish you Happy Stroking and may you continue to inspire people to live their dreams without fear of judgement.

Legend has it that I have a neighbor who masturbates in his kitchen when he’s cooking. I say legend because I’ve never seen him, but my wife and mother have. Now I find myself almost afraid to look out my kitchen window as I wash dishes, but just like one wants to look when they pass an accident on the highway, I keep looking.

My initial reaction when I heard of the Masturbating Neighbor was shock and disbelief that I was having penis talk with my mother who couldn’t seem to stop talking about the penis in question. Then when my wife witnessed it, she talked about it like someone who had seen Sasquatch or The Loch Ness Monster. You know, that disbelief that she’d seen something that had only been alleged and had grown to the level of urban myth.

After my initial reaction I evolved to a state of envy and admiration for the Masturbating Neighbor. There’s a level of freedom and fearlessness that comes along with masturbating in a place where one might be seen that I’m hoping to achieve as a performer. I’ll get there, and although I’m a bit of an exhibitionist myself, I won’t actually get naked onstage but I will be free and fearless enough to just expose myself without fear of judgement and the need to please everyone.

(This is the part where everyone reading this stands up and says, “I AM THE MASTURBATING NEIGHBOR”)